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Writing Contest

Posted by Some-Stupid-Idiot - August 21st, 2009


This is my piece for the writing contest but I don't want to submit it just yet. I want it to be read over and critiqued for any flaws so that I may fix them. I would appreciate any feedback and I'll try to critique other's submissions if they do mine.

Beast of the Night

It was not safe to go out at night, at least after the incident. It was about 2 months ago and the world has never been the same since.

***

In a cemetery that had no source of light, except for the occasional lightning bolt, was lit up with almost an ethereal glow. No shadows were cast, it seemed as if there was no light source at all. In the center of the cemetery was a mausoleum. Deep inside there were all sorts of twist and turns, a labyrinth if you will.

In the most open area a circle was drawn on the cobblestone with a pentagram inside. In that circle was wolfsbane, some type of voodoo powder, a marionette, and a human skull was in the center. A man in a purple robe was saying some type of enchantment.

"Beast of the night, awaken from your long sleep so that you may walk the land of the living. Hades, Mot, Nergal, Hades, and Lucifer, I beseech you to give life back to those that only exist in our nightmares. Arise, Arise, and take the what should be yours."

He then pulled out a knife and slit his wrist and let his blood spill onto the pentagram. It then spread out and the light grew even brighter than it once was. He couldn't see anything for a minute but when his sight came his wish had been accomplished. Standing in front of him were a werewolf, a zombie, a shade, and a vampire. They assaulted him and left to the world above.

***

They came from the bone yard. We were just a small village. They took us down pretty fast. It wasn't long before everyone in town became a zombie, werewolf, vampire, or had their shadow stolen. Having your shadow stolen is the worse, if you are outside in the sun your body will turn to dust, and you eventually become unresponsive and can do nothing more than just stand there. When you're a zombie you're dead so it doesn't matter, and vampires still have some humanity to them. I just wish the werewolves would turn back to human during the day.

I had to kill my child who was turned into one of those beast. She was bitten by a zombie and she came at me, I had no choice but to defend myself. I nearly killed myself in sadness. My wife disappeared one day only to find her clothes covered in dust. I have to get out of this town soon. It will be tough to move around since zombies and werewolves rule the day, and everyone of them runs the night. I can't take it, I have to go now or I'll die from madness.

There is this silver cross my grandfather gave me before I passed on. I was able to get the blacksmith to make a knife from it and I found several rosaries in the church. On my waist are two revolvers with silver tipped bullets, I got it from the excess from the knife, on my back is a bag full supplies. I probably won't survive the tomorrow, hell, I don't even think I'll make it halfway to the next town.

That night I was visited by someone unexpected. There was a knock on the door, I was careless and told him to come in. I realized my mistake and got a rosary from the nightstand and went to the door. It wasn't what I expected, it was actually a woman, she wasn't a vampire seeing as she didn't look frightened at my rosary. Gesturing my hand I allowed her in. She was in a panic, it looked as if she'd been running all night.

"What are you doing out at night?" I asked her.

"I was thrown out of this guys house because I wouldn't offer him my body as payment for safety. You see I have no home, I've been staying alive by staying at many stranger's houses. I'm just glad someone actually answered my knocking. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart."

I was preparing some tea for us.

"You can stay here if you want, I'm leaving tomorrow, I can no longer stay here," I told her.

"You'll never make it to the next town," she warned.

"I already had that in mind. If only there was a way to stop this."

"I remember a tale my mother told me when I was just a child. When the beast of night are awaken. A maiden and a young man who has nothing left to lose will travel through the darkest caverns facing the most impossible odds. There they will find the birthplace of them. With a rosary, a bit of silver, soot, some source of light, and the blood of a virgin, followed by an incantation.

Beast of the night go back to sleep and never arise again. Odin, Zeus, Yahweh, and Allah, by your power I beg of you to send these foul creatures back to where they came. Never shall you walk this land and never shall you see the light of day."

"The tea is done." I handed her a cup. "The virgin blood is the only hard thing to come by."

"Don't look at me."

"I wasn't implying anything."

"Only if it will stop these creatures."

"Do you really think we could stop this?" I ran my finger around the rim of my tea cup. It was still too hot to drink.

"If I recall correctly they came from the cemetery. In the center is a mausoleum. Maybe there is where they all came from." She took a sip of tea. It was still too hot.

"I'd give it a shot, even if it doesn't work it's still worth a try." I took a drink of tea and jumped up because it hadn't cooled down enough. She began to laugh. "We'd better go to sleep so we have energy for tomorrow."

We finished our tea and to sleep. She slept in my bed, and I slept in what was once my daughters. I haven't been in her room since. It reeks since I never got rid of the body. That night my dreams were filled with images of death, I hope this isn't some type of omen.

***

The following morning we set out. We could see the cemetery. Zombies were everywhere, I'm sure none came out of the ground since we bury our dead in coffins and they're six feet under. We made our break for the mausoleum. There was a werewolf which I shot in the middle of the forehead. It fell down to the ground and turned back into a human, he was smiling, he finally left his living hell. The door was open at the building and we made our way.

Inside the catacombs were all vampires and the deadly shades. We decked ourselves in rosaries so the vampires would avoid us but there was nothing to stop the shades. We came to a dead end, we were corned there seemed no way we could get out of this. It was then that my female friend began to murmur something. As long as she kept talking the shades wouldn't come any closer.

We made our way finally to the most open area of the catacombs. There was a body being picked apart by rats and a circle. We shut the door and barred it anyway we could. She took out some chalk and began to draw a new circle with a cross and placed each item at each point. She beckoned me and disrobed. She began the incantation, She pulled down my pants and sat me in the cross point.

The door broke open as she said the last word and destroyed her purity when the ground around us lit up and a shock wave that could be felt worldwide. Everyone who was turned into a werewolf or vampire turned back to human, and anyone who lost their shadow had their's quickly returned. Unfortunately anyone who was turned into a zombie just died. We were there in the dank catacombs exhausted from what we've just done, we knew no one would have known what we've done, but we didn't care since our lives could go back to normal.

"I never did ask your name," I said.

"It's Rachael. Yours?"

"Simon."

"What are we going to do now?" She asked.

"Go to the market and get some ingredients for a stew."

"Can I join?"

"I was planning on it."

That night we gave my daughter a proper burial and ate till we could no more. I told her Rachael she could stay as long as she liked. She accepted and in a few months we got married. I never forget my wife and daughter but we fought for a new life for everyone everywhere. She's pregnant now, and we are hoping for a daughter.

No one will forget those events, and hopefully future generations never will.


Comments

The story is pretty strong, but a few tips that'd likely help you have a better chance to win:

1. It changes from third to first person quite abruptly, using some more exposition could help this, although this isn't necessarily a weakness.

2. No real mention of Transylvania, which may earn some ire from the judges considering how the island stories were judged.

3. A question: Simon as in Simon belmont? because that'd be radical.

4. Kind of cliche in your usage of all the monsters, which they kind of told us to shy away from doing.

1. The third person was only used in the explanation scene.

2. I don't like to mention towns and stuff unless it is really important. I provided the setting, nothing else.

3. I was thinking of Simon when I wrote it.

4. Actually the monsters only served as a source of fear, the shades where of my own creation though. Even though they may tell us to shy away from something, that doesn't necessarily mean it's bad to use it, it's just harder to do it right.